dear you…yes, you. the unknown person readin’ this.
there are plenty of things in my head. i dunno where to start but there are so many unhappy things that i need to write bout before it explodes in my head and well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty when that happens.
1. i know i’ve always been different. it’s always been me against the world. even when i was young, i would be the tomboy pickin’ fights at the playground. ok…i wasn’t really pickin’ fights but i sure as hell would not let anyone bully me. i remember fightin’ with a boy at the top of a slide. i can’t remember what it was bout but i’m very damn sure he was auntie aruno’s son.
so anyways…growin’ up, i’ve always been different from the normal girl next door. in loyang valley, i was the only girl in the group of boys who loved to play police&thief and the many hours of risk and monopoly. I would be playin’ rounders with the boys and i was a violent player; people had to made sure they didn’t stand near me as i was battin’. i remember i was the only girl who showed up to join the softball team. i felt shy for some damn reason and trotted off to join the netball team instead. blah. i should have stood my grounds and just joined them.
and what made me different from everyone else? and this, is somethin’ that has always been a problem for everyone else, but me….the way i speak. an accent they say i have. angmoh wannabe they said. i do not understand why i should be shunned upon just coz’ i didn’t speak like they do and that i grew up with people from all over the world that their different accents rubbed off on me. i didn’t purposely decided to pick up an accent. i can’t turn on or off the accent as and when i feel like it. it just comes. but this has also been the talk of the different schools i attended. it was only in university that i felt accepted. that i was complimented for the way i speak coz’ to the westerners, us singaporeans CANNOT speak good english.
not only that…i was picked on coz i wasn’t like them. i didn’t like the same music or speak their lingo. i was labelled as the weirdo. i was called all sorts of names. i remember one time, i was even called a mamasan. i dunno how that came about and when i went to a teacher about it, i was just brushed aside. and people wonder why i hated school in singapore and totally enjoyed my time in aussie.
2. a lot of the times, i feel like i’m a disappointment to her. nothin’ i do seems to be right. the choices i have made always seem wrong in her eyes. at least that’s what i get from her. i may be sensitive and paranoid coz this is me we’re talkin’ bout but i am very certain my insecurities are not 100% uncalled for. my biggest accomplishment seems like nothin’ coz i’m constantly reminded of others who have triumphed in their respective fields. what she don’t realise is that i was there all on my own tryin’ to find myself. i was there when resources were scarce. i was there strugglin’ to stay alive. i was there when i needed people the most. with recent developments in the career department, i can’t but feel that she is even more disappointed. that i am not like the rest. that my past, present and future have been dodgy, shady and shaky.
3. i don’t wanna care bout this group of peeps. i have enough nonsense on my plate as it is. but coz’ this group of peeps are very dear to him, that i, in turn, become bothered. what is up with them? what is goin’ on in their heads? there are plenty i have to say bout them but don’t think i should now. i am angry. and anger don’t bring about nice words. but this i will say, “you will regret your actions, one day. at least i hope you will. coz’ when you do, you will realise what is right and what is wrong.”
4. i wanna go paintballin’! i hate it that the boy has gotten me interested so much that i feel jealous that he’s goin’ for trainin’ this sunday and i’m stuck here coz i have not renewed my passport. boo!need to renew passport. need to get nice picture taken. need to edit that photo somehow. need to do lots of things first before can renew passport. ok, not a lot of things but sorta. xtreme estrogen may take part in a tourney in december, in jb. that will be interestin’. to see how we fare as a team. God willin’, we’ll have enough girls to play that the boy can take a seat and just coach us. it’s not that we don’t want him but really, it defeats the purpose of an all girls’ team, yeah? but he will always be a part of the xtreme estrogen. honourary member. hehe i hope i can be a good paintballer. i wanna be good. i haven’t been good at somethin’ for a long time now. i wanna be a respected paintballer. not some wanna-be. and i wanna make my baby proud of me coz’ he’s the one who got me started. 
5. i miss my perth family. i miss ali shariff, ken kyumbu, maria zenetti-milo, vishali mohan, dheeraj daswani, dennis langat, tony kirui and most importantly…i miss the perth-me. i miss bowling on whoever’s birthday. i miss the chix kebab from the tav and the chips from alto’s. i miss sittin’ by the foreshore eatin’ ice cream in the night of winter. i miss walkin’ into curtin grounds. i miss bakin’ to kill time. i miss runnin’ at nights and the many random dinners. i miss margeuax, mustang and champions bar. i miss bein’ a student and i even miss woolies and coles. i miss the impromtu roadtrips and the crazy ideas we come up with as we sit around, bored. i miss aussie.
6. the boy is snorin’. poor baby must be super exhausted. it is rainin’ outside and i wish he didn’t have to go to work in a couple of hours. i wanna snuggle in bed with him. but i’m thankful that he’s stuck around. i’m thankful that what i thought was a casual catch up/get-to-know session was actually a date. coz now, i belong to him and he has saved my life. i love you baby…so much. more than you can ever imagine.
need to practice!! need to practice!!
